Monthly Update: June 2025

Welcome to my MONTHLY UPDATES. Woo!

This is where I tell you what I've been reading this month (or something that has inspired me). What I've been writing. AND where I've been venturing!

Mostly it is a conglomerate of my chaotic thoughts, worries, and small adventures. If you can't follow along, I would say "Sorry", but I just think that is the reality of it. So kindly, take a seat, grab a drink, and scroll through this brief summary of JUNE!

Themes of this month:

Despite the stereotypical vibes of June (the true, first month of Summer; fast-paced and full of joy) I found myself in a slump. Not just a writing or reading slump--though both of those were true as well--but a bit of a sadness slump. I spent most days second-guessing myself, second-guessing my art, my purpose, my future...just about all the staple aspects of my being.

I grappled a lot with the idea of creativity. Is it simply an inspired act? Something that comes together despite my intentions to be creative or not? Must I fish it out of the murky waters of my mind or is it an exercise that I need to push through each and every day?

Is it some of that? Is it all of it?

Is it new or is it doing the same thing over and over and over until a masterpiece is splayed before me?

There were several moments this month where I felt that I was confused by the output of my of creative efforts, expecting more of both myself and the results. Afterwards I would spiral into a rumination cycle, analyzing every move, what I should do differently next time.

Forgetting a key element of my identity this month.

Experimentation. I am an experimentalist. I am trying new things, unsure of the result or consequences, because ultimately that is how I learn.

I think something that really spurred this rumination cycle about creativity was the Strengths Finder assessment I completed for my current 9 to 5. (Personality tests are one of my niche interests. I am sure someone can relate here...the excitement and pleasure of analyzing your own patterns, trying to guess the answer before your assessment spits out the results.)

I realized that, according to this little test, I spend the majority of my time PLANNING. As someone with ADHD (oh-there she goes again, dropping that word into every conversation) the dopamine I get from planning something is more rewarding than the actual result of doing that thing.

Maybe you experience this, too?

If the actual thing I am doing is interesting, then, sure, I will follow through on it, but if it isn't? Once I have planned the thing, I am done. I struggle with the follow through because the result of my task isn't a spike in dopamine or self-esteem. In fact, sometimes--like this month-- it is the exact opposite.

This month I've been planning a lot, but I have also been doing a lot of...doing. Travelling, posting, coming up with blog ideas, writing ideas, while also starting a TIKTOK account, and keeping up with my other socials.

I think I am frustrated it isn't taking off immediately. I fear that I am failing.

And I think back to a time when I didn't feel like I was failing...usually it is the year 2022.

But honestly, I WAS failing a lot in 2022. In fact, I had so many major setbacks that year. I just forget those because my mindset was different that year. I was trying new things. I was saying yes to being bad at things. To being a beginner. To figuring it out and being a hot mess. To being a true experimentalist.

For some reason, three years later, I'm supposed to have it all figured out. To know how to do all the things I want to do. Or at least pretend.

To be clever.

To be smart.

To be successful and organized.

To have a long-term plan.

But I don't feel these things.

In fact, I struggle with them a lot. I wonder what is next. And I've even admitted publicly that I feel lost most days. I struggle to feel good about myself unless some external circumstance or someone else's standard tells me that I should feel good about myself.

Classic, right?

But ultimately, I feel my best when I am most authentic. When I am not trying to be anyone else. When I just say what is on my mind and STOP second-guessing myself. Stop second-guessing my intentions, or the results or the consequences.

Stop listening to these limiting thoughts and internal critics.

It is a bit of a mental tug-of-war because to be successful, one must analyze their actions and thoughts, be aware of their 'why' and do things, intentionally. While also balancing experimentation. Trying new things and being bad at them.

Analyzing versus Acceptance.

I am a planner. I love planning. I also love analyzing. I am good at it. Quick at recognizing patterns, at pointing out the likely issues when something doesn't work. Especially when it is in another's actions, not my own.

But for July I am going to practice not doing that. Not second-guessing or berating myself for mistakes. Not analyzing my patterns, my systems.

Just be a beginner again. It's okay to be a beginner...again. It really is. It isn't a sign of failure.

It actually is a sign of mental and emotional dexterity. Proof of one's bravery, curiosity and capability to continue learning.

There is no designated age that we are supposed to stop being a beginner. If anything, we ought to continue to do this. I just feel that the circles I'm in send mixed messages.

"You should have X-job by this time." "You should be settled by this time.'' "You ought to own, have created or understand XYZ by this time." But also, we are proud of those who try new things.

At least I am.

I love to see a 60-something-year-old decide she is going to walk a famous Camino or hike Machu Picchu because she finally has time, even if every other person is 20 years her junior.

I love to know that a 45-year-old man isn't satisfied with his MD, he wants to start a construction company and get his scuba certificate, so he does, despite his colleagues and friends ask him why he is completing switching from a successful position to something new and uncertain.

Second-guessing ourselves is such a limiting belief and I admire those that don't have such limited ways of thinking.

What I read:

This month I struggled to finish more than 1 book. Which is rare for me. But between starting up several new projects, travelling, quitting my second job and writing mini essays-I was limited in my brain space to consume any literature or nonfiction.

However, I did join a book club! Quite randomly, too.

I met a woman at a panel event for John and Sarah Green, here in Indianapolis. We got to talking about books and our shared struggle of making friends as adults. This led to her kindly inviting me to her modern-day tea party book club.

Fast-forward several weeks and I am trudging in anxious circles around my kitchen like a kid on their first day of school. I personally challenged myself to go to 1 new networking social event each month and this book club was my June event.

After an hour of back and forth I finally drag myself to her house and low and behold, it was lovely! Of course!

There is this unnamed sensation--I can describe as 'community', but it is much more specific and deeper than that--which occurs at events like this.

Events lead and orchestrated by and for women. House gatherings where everyone brings food (usually homemade) and their unsolicited and distinctly feminine thoughts. Shared experience? Is that the term I am looking for? Sisterhood, perhaps? I'm not sure.

It reminds me of worship, but with women. Not in a religious sense, but a natural one. Where there isn't competition or judgment, just support and empathy and connection.

I am sure there is a word for this but even so I cannot bring it to the forefront of my mind.

We read: The Husbands, a literary fiction piece with magical realism that follows a single woman, Lauren, as learns that she can mysteriously exchange husbands through her attic. It is a smart and funny commentary on modern dating in the digital world. Where relationships form and dissipate quickly through dating apps.

I would say I enjoyed the book to some measure, but it was not my typical flavor. But the creative commentary on a distinctly modern issue was refreshing and entertaining.

What I wrote:

Again, like I already expressed, I struggled a lot with creativity this month. Second-guessing, self-berating, ruminating, over-analyzing.

I am stuck re-writing the catalyst scene of my story, over...and over... and over as I feel the pacing of the first act is too slow.

But I am trying a new strategy of just putting words on paper as a "Bit" with myself. I expect it be, put bluntly, shit.

But even so, putting thoughts and words together, continuing to erase and edit, it is the whittling a carpenter does, cutting and reshaping wood until they have pulled-forth whatever creature or shape was hiding inside.

A carpenter's skill, similar to a writer's, isn't just with a knife, but their belief and dedication, continuously carving and cutting, having always known it was deep within.

Where I went:

Guatemala with my sister. A lovely sister trip that included Volcanos, mountains and lakes and lots of unmarked vans.

This was a very quick trip, and I would love to go back. Guatemala was different than any other country I've visited recently. Haiti being its closest comparison for me, in my limited travels.

I loved the Mayan culture, the hospitality, and the food.

Hiking Acatenango, a 14000ft Volcano near Antigua, Guatemala, was the biggest physical challenge this month.

I was NOT prepared in the slightest. I didn't pack for the hike, nor bring the right bag. I hadn't trained, thinking it would be tough but not terrible.

Two-thirds up I was positive I had asthma, not to mention my heartrate was skyrocketing.

There are 3 levels to the hike.

The hot and muggy lower level that is very tropical and very steep.

The rainforest mid-level that promises to soak you and your belongings (especially if you come ill-prepared like me).

And the freezing top level, that can drop down to temperatures as low as the 30s Fahrenheit, but for us more like 40-50 Fahrenheit. Which is rough when you're already soaked through with rain for the mid-level section.

All that to say. Hannah is a superstar and acclimated well to the discomfort and cold whereas I was slower to transition.

It was memorable though. And I plan to go back, as we got rained out at the top and weren't able to hike to Fuego (the main reason we signed up for this adventure). Instead, we bonded with some university students over a little fire in a make-shift hut and slept in moist sleeping bags with tiny, leather pillows.

Bonding!

BONUS ROUND:

Songs I had on Repeat:

Nothing Matters & Sinner by The Last Dinner Party

One Thing by Lola Young

Favourite Girl (with Rema) by Darkoo, Rema

No Love Allowed by Rihanna